From the Desk of Loser City Founder/Jacuzzi Sales Representative Nona Lippi
71st Annual Golden Globes Predictions
Tonight all of America will put down their Rubik’s Cubes and cattle prods to stop and partake in the annual broadcast of the Golden Globe Awards. The Oscars of televised award ceremonies, the Golden Globes tell us which films and television series of 2013 will stand the test of time, like previous winners Scent of a Woman and Cybil. While many other news organizations have released their predictions for the evening’s winners, none of them were written by people who gained psychic powers due to living in a house with too many microwaves. Here are my predictions for the winners, which will all come true, or else my name isn’t Nona Lippi.
Best Motion Picture-Drama
- 12 Years a Slave
- Captain Phillips
While I think 2112 is a great album, I’m not quite sure how prog-rock band Rush managed to sneak onto the list of motion pictures. Perhaps the Globes’ voting body, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, noticed this too, so count it out. Same with Philomena, due to its graphic sex scenes between Judi Dench and Steve Coogan. Captain Phillips was a frontrunner early on in the awards race, however that fire seems to have burned down considerably due to the discovery of star Tom Hanks’ large collection of Nazi paraphernalia. That leaves Gravity, the biopic about the apple that fell on Thomas Newton’s head and 12 Years a Slave, the riveting documentary of Katie Holmes’ marriage to Tom Cruise. Prediction: Gravity due to the Golden Globes’ known fruit bias.
Best Motion Picture- Musical or Comedy
- American Hustle
- Inside Llewyn Davis
- The Wolf of Wall Street
There was a heated race between Inside Llweyn Davis and Inside Chuck Forsythe as to which colonoscopy footage would land the nomination, but the film has lost a large amount of steam since its premier at the freshman health symposium at The University of Miami. Her and Nebraska probably canceled out each others as votes cast by lazy members of the voting body. The Wolf of Wall Street has gotten flack for its graphic display of animal violence, but the performance of Rosie Perez as the titular wolf has garnered so much critical praise that it may carry the film to victory. American Hustle, the musical based on the dance “the hustle”(do do do do do) is the most traditional film of the bunch, which is a breath of fresh air compared to the other more experimental films on the list. Prediction: American Hustle, because all we wanna do is dance.
- Breaking Bad
- Downton Abbey
- The Good Wife
- House of Cards
- Masters of Sex
House of Sex shocked the world with its original title, Rape Manor, but ever since its retooling, the series has gained series acclaim. Showtime’s Master of Cards, a reality show searching for the next best magician angered drama purists, but no one can deny the tense relationships between all of its contestants. Downton Abbey, which changed its name to Rape Manor for the next season has its fans, but not many have access to the show’s home channel, HBO Latino. The Good Wife, more like The Good Boring, amirite?????!!!! Prediction: Breaking Bad, because the HFPA is consisted of 18-24 year old users of reddit.
- The Big Bang Theory
- Brooklyn Nine-Nine
- Modern Family
- Parks and Recreation
[Insert show here], the successful series starring white people with various ethnic friends and family members getting into weekly, wacky situations. Prediction: Any of them. They’re literally all the same show.
There you have it, the winners of the 2014 Golden Globe Awards. Use them in your office pool, and you’ll definitely win. If not, we here at Loser City will reimburse you for whatever prize you didn’t win. Good luck nominees, and let’s get drunk.