Professional malcontent Christopher M. Jones attempted to leave a bunch of comments on our page slamming otherwise well-liked works of cinema. Normally we’d have sent that to the spam folder but we were impressed by his boldness while simultaneously disturbed by the sheer volume of disses he left on articles that in fact had nothing at all to do with the films he was criticizing. Because we believe in the strength of quarantines, we asked Christopher to instead turn this into a column for us, appropriately named Even Good Movies Are Bad Movies Too.
The 36th Chamber of Shaolin: It’s not as good as pretty much any other Gordon Liu movie but, to be fair, Enter the Tales of a Eunuch doesn’t have the same je ne sais quoi that makes for a good album title.
The Sacrifice: Right around the time the bumpkin postman casually slipped the word “demiurge” into an unfunny anecdote about existentialism, a thought occurred to me: this movie is ponderous bullshit, but if I don’t turn it off just because it’s by a director everyone likes, that actually makes me even worse.
Three Days of the Condor: Two Hours of Sleep Apnea
Only Lovers Left Alive: I dunno, as far as Nick Cave fan-fiction goes I’ve definitely read tighter manuscripts on Deviantart.
The Way of the Dragon: You’d think a man who built his reputation on being able to kick people into viscous discharge would be able to script a movie where someone hits someone else during the first 45 minutes.
Death Wish: Instead of coming up with a barb for this horrible movie I’ll just describe something that happens in it in a way I guarantee you no reviewer has ever done over the last 40-plus years of its existence: Jeff Goldblum Mouth Sodomy
Halloween: You know a movie was made in more innocent times when “a big man” was considered a scary enough idea to base an entire horror franchise around.
The Birds: Shortcomings aside, it does take a great deal of visionary gumption to make a thriller about pitting the least intimidating kind of animal against the least intimidating kind of person and then call it “a movie.”
Easy A: Good on someone for thinking to cater to Buzzfeed teens before such a classification of human even came to exist, but to this day I still can’t tell if Emma Stone is a good actress or not.
Slacker: I don’t even like taking the bus for 15 minutes, much less an hour and a half.
Ghost in the Shell: “fuck cartoons”-this cartoon
Casino Royale: James Bond for people who at think knife hats are silly and childish but also don’t have the attention span for The Constant Gardener.
The Constant Gardener: …wait a minute
L’age d’or: Remember when you went to the museum and it was super boring, and by the time you finally got to the only exhibit you kind of wanted to see you realized your girlfriend had gone to the food court 45 minutes ago, and then you got to the food court too and you realized that you like big soft pretzels more than you like pretty much any painting?
Gangs of New York: Martin Scorcese Presents Joel Schumacher’s West Side Story
An American in Paris: Musicals, like superhero movies, are for morons and sex offenders, but rarely can one movie so thoroughly cater to the tastes of both with the hateful precision of an Academy Award winning film from 1951.
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy: MAYBE IF I YELL ENOUGH A JOKE WILL HAPPEN
Pineapple Express: NOPE
Christopher M. Jones once wrote a comic about dogs people liked a bunch. He ostensibly does other things too. You should follow him on Twitter.