Professional malcontent Christopher M. Jones attempted to leave a bunch of comments on our page slamming otherwise well-liked works of cinema. Normally we’d have sent that to the spam folder but we were impressed by his boldness while simultaneously disturbed by the sheer volume of disses he left on articles that in fact had nothing at all to do with the films he was criticizing. Because we believe in the strength of quarantines, we asked Christopher to instead turn this into a column for us, appropriately named Even Good Movies Are Bad Movies Too.
Breathless: When you change the course of cinematic history, it’s usually a good idea to do so as boringly as you can so that people will still be able to find things they appreciate about all the shitty movies your shitty movie just made obsolete.
Shane: Oh fuck I take it back I TAKE IT ALL BACK
The Book of Eli: It’s written and filmed like a $20 Xbox game about killing people for Jesus and Tom Waits doesn’t get to do or say anything cool, but it’s kind of inspiring that Denzel has let his personal brand become shorthand for Don’t Watch This; it’s good to know at least one of these Hollywood types is looking out for us movie-goers.
Holy Motors: Every director I like died in the ‘70s! *COMPLAIN*
Solaris: No, I agree, whenever I watch an episode of The Twilight Zone I always think “this would be a lot better as a joyless ten hour dirge about why I should get a divorce.”
The Equalizer: Batman with none of the things you like about Batman.
The Double Life of Veronique: Way back in the ‘20s they used to write whole books about how big of a mistake it is to fuck French people and my God, my God, why wouldn’t you listen?
Captain America: The Winter Soldier: Superheroes and terse espionage go together like cotton candy and Phenobarbital.
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: tfw you spend so much time crafting the cinematography for your rape scene that you forget to write a movie and just plagiarize Se7en instead
Watchmen: I don’t think anyone has ever been happier to not get a check for something than Alan Moore was to not get a check for this movie.
Scanners: Fun fact, the entertainment value derived from that gif Cracked.com writers use whenever they run out of jokes is inversely proportional to how good the rest of the movie actually is
North by Northwest: Take a tour of the things this ancient man’s penis enjoys as you think to yourself, “maybe if I can remember Animaniacs episodes hard enough I won’t have to make myself watch movies anymore.”
King of New York: This movie is the cinematic equivalent of your coworker who never says anything so stupid you have to tell your friends about it later but is still dumb enough that you wonder how he was able to get his job in the first place.
Highlander: There’s one good Queen song, no good dialogue and a bunch of fight scenes that look like two moose ballroom dancing in quicksand.
Dogma: A lot of people feel smarter than others for believing in Jesus and going to church, and I guess all those people are right to feel that way.
Crank: All the shitty dialogue and backwards social politics of a video game cutscene and none of the parts that you actually get to play.
The Book of Life: “If we can make a movie that’s culturally familiar to Mexican kids while being garish and unfunny enough to appeal to dumb children of all walks of life maybe we can get these fucking Twitter people off our backs and finally get cracking on that Owen Wilson movie about killing Polynesians we’ve all been wanting to do for so long”
Lust, Caution: Not only are the Chinese beating our kids in math and our adults in industry, they even managed to make a boring piece of shit movie about how much women love rape and psychological abuse before that one random even thought of writing 50 Shades of Grey
Match Point: There are a lot of things Woody Allen needs to go to jail for.
The Hunt: Or, Hey, Actually Woody Allen Doesn’t Need to Go to Jail, You Go to Jail
Christopher M. Jones once wrote a comic about dogs people liked a bunch. He ostensibly does other things too. You should follow him on Twitter.