From the Desk of Nona Lippi, CCO, DDS, DTF
Loser City Headquarters
The Pacific Ocean
Dear internet,
This is the last time that I am writing to you from this computer. From here on out, I am hiring ten people to write all of my blog posts, tweets, and Xtube comments one finger at a time. Because you’re not going to believe this shit: I won the lottery. Like, THE the lottery. All $636,000,000 is mine. I honestly don’t comprehend my luck. This amount of money is unfathomable, yet the lottery gods (I’m assuming they look like Xerxes from 300 mixed with those dudes that hold flags at Public Enemy shows) smiled down upon me. No more flash fried ramen, no more stolen Netflix accounts. The world is my oyster, and I’m going to hire someone to eat it because oysters are gross.
Like every other poverty stricken person, I have a list of things that I would do once I won the lottery. Since lottery fate (I’m assuming one of the lottery gods would have a name like Reginald Slim) decided to give me this once in a lifetime opportunity, here is what I am going to do with all of my money. All $636,000,000 of it.
-Cash it all at once in pennies, deplete world copper supply, rearrange periodic table, rendering all periodic tables useless, becoming savior to all periodic table manufacturers.
-Hire Post-Doctorate candidates to roll my pennies, pay them in pennies.
-Buy rights to the next phase in the Marvel movie franchise. Make all of them gay porn.
-Jerk off in public to all of my Marvel porn, pay off public indecency fine.
-Be halfway finished with my fundraiser to reunite ABBA for Coachella.
-Enslave ABBA and force them to play Coachella, Saw style.
-Start genre of music that only records on HitClips.
-Force feed R. Kelly Oreos, because I don’t think he’s ever actually eaten one.
-Hire the Knife to play birthday party, furiously masturbate, pay off public indecency fine.
-Build Illuminati memorials in Baltimore, Detroit, and Inglewood.
-Redo the kitchen in a nice neutral color because the ceilings are high and it would look great with the sunlight. Besides, we’ve been putting it off for so long ever since the baby, honey, and you promised when we got the house. I let you build a deck, now I want a kitchen.
-Buy a week’s worth of groceries at Whole Foods.
-Pollute rivers with instant mashed potatoes, feed the homeless, become savior to them too.
-Redraw country lines in Europe because they need to be taken down a notch.
-Purchase candy factory to make Kazoozles (best candy evaaaarrrr)
-Create interdimensional travel, hang out with Reginald Slim.
-3D print a Bitcoin
Now this may just seem like a sweet, sweet fantasy when I close my eyes, but now that I have $636,000,000, I can do whatever the fuck I want. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to move to the moon and start transmitting really xenophobic rap lyrics to NASA.
Nona Lippi, CCO, DDS, DTF
Loser City Headquarters
The Pacific Ocean
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