Confused about #GamerGate? Not sure what the rules of gaming culture are? Don’t worry, John Bender’s got you covered with a handy ten point list clarifying everything.
First, you should know that #GamerGate is for GAMERS ONLY. If you are not a gamer, please leave now! I’m serious! You are not welcome to participate in #GamerGate!
Troll Gamers and Hater Gamers: If you are both a gamer and also a troll or a hater, then I’m sorry, but you may not participate in #GamerGate (this rule is to ensure that #GamerGate is taken seriously).
There are a few circumstances under which you may participate in #GamerGate even if you are not a gamer. The following is a partial list of non-gamers who may participate in #GamerGate:
- Cool girls (aka you are like “one of the guys”)
- Nerds (but not sports nerds or weightlifting nerds)
- Joe Rogan
I’ll check one more time: are you a gamer, cool girl, nerd (non-sports/lifting), or Joe Rogan? If not, then I’m not kidding, pal…you need to scram. Vamoosh.
Okay, now for the second thing you need to know about #GamerGate:
No one is really sure what #GamerGate is. Is it a physical gate? Probably not, but we must consider every angle. “Trust nothing. Believe everything.” This is a common saying among gamers.
#GamerGate can happen anytime, anywhere (except in the real world). YouTube, Twitter, you name it—#GamerGate has probably happened there (again, this does not apply if you named a place in the physical, offline realm). Be sure to know your #GamerGate facts so that you can deflect hard questions and resist the discourse.
If you are on the side of truth, ethics, justice, and transparency, then you should use at least five of these key words whenever you discuss #GamerGate:
slut, whore, cheater, feminazi, conspiracy, ideology, infiltration, vidya, strawman, straw, man, ad hominem, Galt
If you are on the side of depravity, backdoor dealings, and shadow pacts, then you should use at least five of these key words whenever you discuss #GamerGate:
dialogue, harassment, inequality, actual Nazi, identity, extinct, voice, please, stop, sending, me, death, threats
Many people suspect that a person named Zoe Quinn is responsible for #GamerGate. But here’s something to think about: “Zoe Quinn” is an anagram of “Quiz None.” This is a very mysterious thing to think about, don’t you agree?
If you are ever reading a controversial weblog post or other webpage about #GamerGate, be sure to switch to an Incognito window in your browser. This will ensure that your browser is wearing sunglasses.
#GamerGate is not the same thing as #TheFappening. However, both #GamerGate and #TheFappening have the window badge (“#”) in common. This is because they require their participants to look into things that women do not want them to look into.
Gamers aren’t all Dorito boys! Seriously, I’m sick of the fucking stereotype that every guy who plays video games is a Dorito boy or a queso bomb or a jerky log or whatever. Gamers come in all shapes and sizes, from tall-fat to thin-short to cube. We wear many different clothes—too many to name! But we all have only one interest in common, which is games. People like to make fun of gamers because they think we have our heads stuck in fantasy realms, but what is the real fantasy realm, I ask you? A nine-to-five job with a stupid life surrounding it, or a cool imaginary job with a cool imaginary life surrounding it? There needs to be more understanding of the gaming community, because we are passionate about our hobby! Shows like: The Big Bang Theory, etc. show you another side of the gaming/nerd community…especially that we can be funny, cool, and friendly with both human genders. You might think that a “gamer” is a poindexter or masturbator or something, but did you know the following fact? Many of us have never even been to college! In fact, a lot of gamers don’t even read. So stop with your judgmental bullshit. I don’t want to hear it. It’s time we had an honest discussion about the way gamers are regarded in the mainstream media. Trust me, we know what you think of us…and we won’t tolerate it any longer! We are #gamers. We are legion/strong. We are proud and we won’t quit. In fact, I have more things to
#GamerGate is a cybermovement. If you aren’t plugged in to the ’net, then #GamerGate just isn’t for you!
The most important thing is to take #GamerGate very seriously. The world is watching. Let’s not embarrass ourselves!
John Bender is a character from The Breakfast Club. We honestly don’t how he escaped the film or why he does pop culture writing now.