When you finally prove friends and family wrong and they see that your insufferable knowledge of indie rock hasn’t actually prevented you from getting a date, we want you to be prepared for your first time the same way you would get ready for going to Pitchfork. Here are thirteen indie rock bands you can bring to bed that will show a new partner you know what you’re doing — indie rock veterans, these are for you, too. There’s nothing wrong with trying something new every once in a while, even if we all know the best albums are the demos and EPs before that first album was released.
The Ben Folds Five: Congratulations indie kid, you’ve given a fun new name to fisting! Don’t let your partner sneak off with your favorite black t-shirt, or it’s not coming back.
The Pavement: We think this one is pretty self explanatory, and it’s more of a “place” than a maneuver. Lay your coat down first… or don’t. Real indie kids rock the road rash.
The Spoon: A nice relaxed position for nice, relaxed boning, ready to fall asleep immediately afterward while listening to some Pavement or Archers of Loaf or whatever.
The Flaming Lips: Go out to an Indian or Thai restaurant for dinner, order your favorite spicy dish. Alternately: stay in and order hot wings. Go down on your partner. Informed consent is a must.
The Radiohead: You’re going to need an accessory for this hip oral sex move. Make a playlist of your favorite songs (if you want to get particularly meta, throw some Radiohead in the mix) and put on a pair of bone conduction headphones. You’ll be able to hear the music and your partner can feel it.
The Butthole Surfers: Analingus isn’t for everyone. Remember to use barriers.
The Hold Steady: Approach climax, chill there indefinitely.
My Morning Jacket: Sometimes things don’t quite work out the way you planned. Performed alone, in the morning.
The Strokes: My Morning Jacket during any non-morning times.
The Oasis: Deposit your fluids in a low-lying part of your lover’s body, wander your hands through the desert of their skin, then consume as if you’ve stumbled upon the first sign of water for days.
The Tallest Man on Earth: Ideally, you would want to own a pair of stilts, but you can also stand on top of a chair or table.
This Will Destroy You: Don’t stop after your lover climaxes. Safe words recommended.
Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Do your best Karen O-face with the most monotone moans, only in triplicate.