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Breaking: What the Bicyclist That Crashed Into a Woman in Austin was Listening to

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Yesterday, a bicyclist allegedly sped through an intersection near UT and mowed down a woman. She suffered an orbital fracture and had to have emergency plastic surgery, amongst other injuries, but when her husband took to reddit to have the community help him track down the cyclist, it escalated into a city-wide witch hunt that highlighted Austin’s massive growth problems and sparked plenty of bike hate in the process. The injured woman posted a relatively calm and collected (and self-effacing) post on the situation after the r/austin meltdown and the original post has since been deleted. But we still haven’t figured out what the cyclist was listening to when he hit this woman. Here are Dylan Garsee’s theories:

Fleetwood Mac- “Don’t Stop”

As Austin reaches the sweaty molten center of the treat that is summer, a great way I cool down is by putting on Fleetwood Mac’s classic Rumours. The musical equivalent of a sheer gown, the airy harmonies of two couples falling out of love drops the body’s internal temperature according to science. While riding through UT, the cyclist reached “Don’t Stop”, the 80’s go to song for closing credits. A toxic cocktail of Austin heat, a pleasant head bopping beat, and nostalgia hypnotized the eventual striker to literally never stop.

Line at the point of impact: “I know you don’t believe that it’s true/I never meant any harm to you”

Sparks- “This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Us”

Like the Cylons in Battlestar Galactica, Californians have taken over Austin to the point where it’s nearly impossible to tell the difference between them and actual humans. While native Texans haven’t been enslaved by software developers from Palo Alto, the fear of an uprising is palpable and some may act on that fear. Enter cult duo Sparks’ biggest U.S. hit “This Town Ain’t Big Enough For The Both Of Us,” which paints a paranoid portrait of a man picking off his enemies one by one. The cyclist used this song as a sort of Catcher In The Rye, picking off who he thought were Californians. While we only see this one victim, who knows who else this vigilante has stricken down.

Line at the point of impact: “There’ll be more girls who live in town/though not enough to go round/heartbeat, increasing heartbeat.”

R. Kelly- “Every Position”

The cyclist was simply playing out his lifetime fetish of biking down a big hill, jumping off of his bike, and flinging himself onto his partner. Finally, after months and months of pleading, his girlfriend decided to humor this desire, and the pieces were set in motion. Until an alleged jaywalker threw a wrench in the plans and got in the way of his real target.

Line at the point of impact: “First semester in my bedroom/now I’m about to freak ya.”

BLPLTN- “Stop and Frisk”

While local Austin band BLXPLTN wrote their screeching debut single to raise awareness of New York City’s controversial method of surveillance, little did they know that this practice has moved to Austin with even more violent and violating results. Instead of uniformed police officers stopping and declaring they are stopping and frisking you, undercover officers mow you down on their fixed gear bikes.

 

Line at the point of impact: “STOOOOOOOOP AND FRIIIIIIIIISK”

Semi Precious Weapons- “Magnetic Baby”

As a child, the cyclist in question was subjected to a number of medical experiments to help pay his father’s gambling debts. While the majority of the tests were harmless with no permanent damage, one study in magnetism turned his whole body into one powerful magnet. The cyclist has used his power for good, riding without breaks because he can use his mutant powers to stop the axel from spinning. However he met his natural born enemy yesterday, a woman made entirely from metal. And when the unstoppable force meets the immovable object, chaos reigns.

Line at point of impact: “It’s not my fault/I would never hurt anyone/It’s not my fault/the damage was already done.

Maybe he wasn’t listening to any music. Maybe this was just an accident and the city wide witch hunt has done nothing but hurt all of the parties involved.

Dylan Garsee is a freelance writer/bingo enthusiast currently living in Austin, TX. He is studying sociology, and when he’s not winning trivia nights at pork-themed restaurants, writing a collection of essays on the gay perspective in geek culture. An avid record collector, Dylan can mostly be seen at Waterloo Records, holding that one God Speed You! Black Emperor record he can’t afford and crying. You can follow him on twitter @garseed.

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