Like so many comics lovers, we are a bunch of horny fucks here at Loser City, so we decided to count down the top 11 CBR-exclusive stories we’d bone if they were people. Because that’s normal.
We’re not like the other sites out there, but if we have anything in common with them, it’s a general eagerness to forget Danny Rand, the Iron Fist. Take that idea and mold it into a shapely, green-skinned hero and we’re 110% gamma-blasted down-to-hulk.
Can you believe there’s not a fisting joke in that last entry?
A new haircut has the internet abuzz about Hawkeye, because there’s literally nothing else interesting about him. Will Jeremy Renner be sporting the Ultimates look and yell about the “H” on his head standing for France? TBH, this one only made the list because we’re assuming the personification of this CBR-exclusive would be Jeremy Renner, and you’d hit that too.
Nightmares are revealed as the dreamy Daniel makes his second appearance in the mainstream DCU. The way CBR warns the reader of spoilers yet spoils the final-page reveal of Metal #1 in the URL tells us all we need to know about this naughty exclusive; he’ll be getting your dark night started before you’re halfway home.
There’s just something about the far less attractive doppelgänger of a review on your own site that’s a little bit sexy, right? It’ll be easy to pretend it’s our review of Mister Miracle when you’re getting down with this CBR exclusive piece of crit.
This is the only hate fuck on our list (OR IS IT? read on to find out, true believers!). Nobody in their right mind should want sexist, Islamophobic Frank Miller anywhere near their superheroes in the year of our lord 2017, and this is the CBR exclusive we go to after reading all about Trump’s bullshit and the garbage fire that is our country. This exclusive look at Superman: Year One is just what we need when it’s time to fuck the anger away and leave feeling no regrets.
We’d give the Elongated Man his due. That’s it. That’s the joke.
I’ve really just been reading the first few sentences of these (at most), but I scrolled through this one and holy shit it’s on 4 separate pages! Gotta get that ad revenue, and we’re betting this CBR-exclusive-made-titillating-flesh will go on and on and on, and what more could you ask for from *squints* When Superman Tried to Make Clark Kent Kill? Close enough.
When you want to get with a Ulises Farinas joint but can’t, you can pretend this Paul Allor-penned preview from the same mini-series is just as good. It’s still pretending, but if your type is green and mutated — and if you’re reading this, we bet it is — then pretending might be good enough.
There’s nothing I like more than being told what to spend my money on, and if we were to get down with this CBR-exclusive, we know they’d be calling all the shots. It’s nice to be with an anthropomorphized comic review that knows itself so well it knows what you want.
Ben Affleck is the best live action Batman, and just reading the headline for this gets us excited. Come over to Loser City in one of those broad-shouldered suits and WE will tell YOU why it’s a good thing Batfleck is staying in the DC film universe. With words. Sexy words.
Did you expect anyone else in the #1 spot? We are all over this list that is CLEARLY COMFORTABLE WITH ITS SEXUALITY so much so that it excludes all male Hulks and focuses only on the She-Hulks of the Marvel universe. How comfortable is it? It goes so far as to include alternate universe and future versions of characters instead of slipping an Amadeus Cho or a Bruce Banner in there.
This piece knows its audience: middle-aged straight dudes who still have that Gen 13 swimsuit special bagged and boarded. And it’s because this list of 15 super-busty green women is so comfortable with who it is and who it wants to fuck that we’re sure it’d be down to HULK with a pop culture and criticism site like Loser City.
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