For the millions of listeners of NPR’s  Serial, every Thursday is Christmas, birthday, and Kwanzaa all rolled into one day. Each episode just parcels out the black tar heroin that is the addictive true crime story of the murder of Baltimore high school student Hae Min Lee and whether or not her convicted killer Adnan Syed actually did it. Is Jay’s testimony really to be trusted? What happened in those 21 minutes? Who really pronounces “Mail Chimp” that way? While I may not have the answers to those questions, I do have a few theories that may answer the age old question “Who Killed Hae?”

---

 

Adnan Syed

Why he didn’t do it:

• Still claims innocence after being convicted of her murder and spending 15 years in jail for the crime.
• Was at track practice.

Why he Did It:

• Friend Jay says he showed him Hae’s body after he killed her.
• Cell phone records draw a pretty suspicious map of the crime.
• Classmates said they heard him say he wanted to kill her.

 

Jay

Why he didn’t do it:

• Had no real connection to Hae besides Adnan.

Why he did it:

• Changed his testimony many times over the course of the trial.
• History of crime.
• Once owned a rat-eating frog.

 

Sarah Koenig

Why she didn’t do it:

• Is significantly older than everyone involved in the case.
• Isn’t from Baltimore.

Why she did it:

• To, fifteen years later, make the most talked about podcast in the country.
• Proven to be the Boston Strangler.
• Probably hates Asian women.

 

Ira Glass

Why he didn’t do it:

• [evidence missing]

Why he did i:

• To, fifteen years later, executive produce the most talked about Podcast in the country.
• Hear that tremble in his voice? It’s from the shame.
• Definitely hates Asian women.

 

Me

Why I didn’t do it:

• Was nine at the time of the murder.
• Between this and Columbine, I’d be exhausted.
• Stopped peeing the bed in 2001.

Why I did it:

• Just look at me, I definitely look like I’ve choked someone.
• Have strong hands from tweeting and also strangling people.
• Bought an Adnan mask from Party City day before the murder.

 

The Payphone at Best Buy

Why it didn’t do it:

• Was just about to ask Hae to Prom.
• May have actually never existed.
• Is a payphone.

Why it did it:

• No one would suspect a pay phone.
• Jay claims it showed him the body.
• Is a payphone.

There are only a few more episodes left in Serial, so my list of suspects may change as the series progresses. In the end it doesn’t matter who killed Hae, only that he, she, or it pays for their crime.